Representation of RED

?Infertility?

2011-06-12T10:20:00.001-07:00

I never thought that word would ever apply to me. I'm not overweight. I have not ever had an abortion. My diet and exercise are mediocre to null. I'm healthy. I've been trying on and off for 6yrs. Now i'm proactive and about it and discovered that I need help to conceive.
I've always though of myself as a wife and mother. It may not have happened at the specified time of my choosing but infertility was far from my mind. I can now admit I was in denial. I knew there could have been a possibility that something was wrong with me but brushed it off. When I went for consultation back in 2004 the OBGYN told me I was fine and my SO should get checked out.
Now I'm faced with the reality that its me and I'm scared. All the what ifs flood my mind. I'm anxious to get started whatever procedure or treatment the have in mind. I think if it does work on the first try my spirit will be crushed. I, for once, want to have something without working too hard to get it. Life has been a struggle on all aspect, part of it more forgiving then others but nonetheless hard.

I got a phone call from the same OBGYN office 6 yrs ago and as I listened on the other end of the line, i heard "your progestrone level is low so that means your not ovulating" that was just another kick to my spirit. whats wrong now? why is my body acting up? havent we been through enough stress? So I'm suppose to start meds to assist with ovulation. i'm anxious because I've wanted this baby for 6 years now. PPl in my world disappointed me time and time again. There I was wasting time hoping he would come to his senses.

I'm disappointed because the ppl who dont want babies and dont need them get them so easily. No questions asked knocked up by accident, they terminate, murder or neglect the innocent. its not fair. i wanna hold my bundle of joy in my arms, stare him/her in the eye and say, "I'm your Momma forever, I will always love you."

My heart aches but i still wait in anticipation expecting something wonderful to happen.

Vision Board

2011-06-12T09:09:00.000-07:00

My wishes or dreams that I've place on my vision board has come to fruition through my hard work. I thought it was something you willed into the universe and boom one one day out of the blue there it was. Whats's the purpose of a vision board? I may very well just right my dreams down and follow the path to get to it. I wish it was like a jeanine in a bottle. I self actualized several things since my last VB back in 2009. I graduated, passed a major exam, making $$$, have a signifcant other that I'm in love with, a nice SUV, but am still waiting to get pregnant and become a Mom, buy a house and travel the world. So here goes a new VB 2011 lets see how long this takes.

Law of attrection VB 2011
get pregnant with a singleton or twin
but a house 3800sqft min.
get married
get my Masters
give back in leadership
to educate and give guidance
lots of leisure vacays with loved ones
make more $$$

So i didnt want to put too many item on the VB. I need to keep it realistic. I going to believe and wait hopefully I have at least one to report real soon. I want the law of attraction to attract these items to me. Let's wait and see.

Where are you?

2008-10-23T06:19:00.000-07:00

I need someone to tell me its gonna be okay. An assured individual who knows what the outcome will be 100% of the time. This patience thing is really working me. I have so much do in so little time but yet I'm hearing "be patient". The so much do is not a distraction its just a reminder. If I have to hear that again I'm going to literally scream.

'He's always on time late in the midnight hour he turns things around'. where is he when I need him to stop the hurt late in the midnight hour? when I cry out to him, why do I have to pacify myself to sleep? Where is my comforter who promised to be at my side till the day I die.

I went to church looking for him, he was not there because if he was he would have seen my wounds and heard my cries. "He's a healer" so I've heard. I want him to follow through on his word. I'm hanging on for dear life desperately seeking his saving grace. Why don't I feel your presence anymore? Am I doing something wrong? I feel more lost now that I'm doing the right thing than when I was falling short. I don't know.

Does anyone have a victory story that can encourage me? please share, thanks.

A woman's intuition

2008-07-18T07:50:00.000-07:00

Boy have I got a story to tell. It all started with this P.O. (police officer) ladies beware. I was standing on 103rd street and 1st ave after work waiting for my homegirls to pick me up so we could go out to dinner. I was standing for a good 20 minutes eating cheddar harvest Sun Chips (it was good). I was all in the bag when a black Acura pulled up. The guy in the SUV made a comment but I was so into my chips I heard muffles and asked him to repeat himself.

"Damn baby you look good but if I was your man you'd look better"

"Oh really?" I asked

"I'd like to invite you to my birthday party May 3rd, Hammerstein Ballroom I'll put you on the VIP okay?

"Only if I can bring some friends?"

"Sure up to five guest here's my number call me and give me their names"

And that's how it all began. He called me the first night we talked the initial introductory Q&As. (moving along) Night of the party arrives he scheduled to pick 3 of us and one girl was staying at a hotel in the city anyway.

9 pm he calls to say he's home from work, jumping in the shower to get dress.

11 pm he's on his way to pick us up (30 minutes drive 45 with traffic).

2 am he's a no call no show and he's not answering the phone.

3:45 am he calls and I missed the call (fell asleep).

Needless to say he gave a good story and we moved on (Duuuuummy).

Stay with me now this is going to be quick try to keep up.

I've been having a feeling, a woman's intuition that this "Ninja" (sounds like a familiar term) was up to no good. Always listen to your inner voice ladies; denial is not the key. I prayed for direction into all truth and boy did I get it. I was complaining to this SOB about him not making enough time for "us" so I wanted to call it quits and it would be all good. He begged me "please don't go" my gut told me walk away but I did not listen that was Friday last week it's now Thursday and his stories include characters like his mother, his son, the hospital, his cousin, his father whatever "Bullet" (sounds familiar). I called a confidant to tell her all the obvious crap that's going on and my plan to call it quits after I take his money. You know I gotta get something outta this. Oh! yeah didn't I tell you he knows how to treat the ladies: expensive restaurants, bill payments, all expense paid vacations, tickets to premieres, ball games etc;

We are riding in the car I make a statement "PO PO do you believe whatever is done in the dark shall come to light?" he answers "oh yeah" and a call comes in but he doesn't answer as he's done may times before but I had had enough of that. After awhile I asked to use his cellphone and of course the idiot hands it to me. Ending a call with my dad a call comes in it's gloria so I answer:

"Hello?"

"Who's this?" she said

" I'm PO PO's girl"

"Well I've been with him for a year what about you?"

"About 3 months?"

"He was with me last night and this morning he came inside of me"

"Look I took an HIV test in June and it was negative when was your last?"

Now PO PO and I are struggling for the phone while he's driving might I add so he pulled over on West side Highway and Varick as soon he stopped I bolted with his phone leaving him shouting "give me my phone" repeatedly. He couldn't keep up with me good for nothing. I ran into a school's backyard, calls kept coming in from this gloria chick I look up into heaven and ask for strength to get through this night of Soaps. He called me from a unknown location and asked where I was he wanted to talk. I agreed to meet him at his place (nice place to kick his ass). I arrived and right behind me was Gloria she charged at him slapping the glasses off his face and him stumbling to his love seat in his living room. Boy he was pissed at that he fended her off and kept shouting "get out" repeatedly. We each had our say He apologized worthlessly and I told him to take me back home she also wanted a ride home. We stood outside his building and she wanted to know who he loves more it didn't matter to me I'm outta here he said both of us equally the same but she caused him too much strife and I cause him no pain. Boy we just found out that we're all fucking each other and she's trying to plea her way back good luck. Riding in the car listening to her plea with him and bicker at me was sickening so on the highway few feet away from the exit in traffic I opened the door and left walking away with this: 1) I love myself too much to fight or quarrel for a man.
2) I'm in my late twenties early thirties I ain't fightin' for no 49 y.o. soon to be 50 y.o man. I look good and blessed with great assets on all aspects.
Like Mary J. Blige says, " no more drama in my life I don't ever wanna hurt again".